10 Reasons Why Brian Scalabrine Is A Better Basketball Player Than Michael Jordan

Johnson Pitchfork March 18th 2015 Sports
Michael Jordan has been accused of selling his soul many times, mostly due to his athletic talent, scores of endorsements and overall good fortunes. Brian Scalabrine, however, as a redheaded human, was born without a soul. Instead, he spends his days devouring the souls of his enemies, a fact attributed to his nickname. Here’s ten reasons why Brian Scalabrine is a better basketball player than Michael Jordan.

#10 - The Nickname

The philosopher Rodney Dangerfield once asked, “What’s in a name?” The answer is a lot; and everything else is in the nickname. Scalabrine is the White Mamba. White is the color of pure driven snow. And mambas are one of the fastest, deadliest creatures in Africa, a continent filled with fast and deadly creatures. Put those together and you have the most badass nickname in all of sports. Meanwhile, Jordan is called His Royal Airness, which sounds like he’s the inflatable mattress king of Erie, Pennsylvania.

#9 - There is no next Brian Scalabrine

All the top prospects in high school, college and even the pros are billed as the next Michael Jordan. Nobody ever dares to compare them to Brian Scalabrine because we all know that there will never be another. Much like Jesus Christ, a Brian Scalabrine will only happen once.

#8 - The White Mamba knew when to walk away

His final season in the league he averaged only 2 points less (1.1) than his career numbers (3.1). Jordan, however, clung to the glory of seasons past and hung around too long. His final season he scored 10 points per game less (20.0) than his career average (30.1), forever tarnishing his career.

#7 - Scalabrine played clean

In Jordan’s prime, he amazed crowds and players alike with his leaps that defied the laws of gravity. Now I’m not one to jump to conclusions but it seems to me that anybody willing to break one law, is willing to break another. I’m no lawyer, and I hate to taint a person’s career based on speculation, but I believe that if this were a trial that would be enough reasonable doubt for the jury to return a verdict of not guilty of playing clean. Scalabrine however, has never defied gravity and has only left the ground three times under his own power during his life.

#6 - Quality trumps quantity

In 2008, Scalabrine carried the Boston Celtics to an NBA Championship. As of this date, none of his teammates are in the basketball hall of fame. Two of Jordan’s teammates have made the hall so far and who knows how many others will join him; Jordan had help, Scalabrine did not.

#5 - The right endorsements

Scalabrine pimps a brand of Irish whiskey called 2 Gingers, a manly alcoholic spirit. Meanwhile, Jordan reps Hanes, a brand of plain white underwear; easily the worst kind of underwear since one subpar, post-BM performance with a fistful of one-ply renders them forever unusable (my mother always shouted after me when I left the house, make sure you have clean underwear!).

#4 - Jordan is a no-class, ass

Jordan once thought he could get away with a Hitler mustache. That’s like Kate Upton trying to pull off a Kim Jong-Un haircut/Christopher Moltisanti tracksuit combo. Wanna be like Mike? No thank you, sir.

#3 - Scalabrine doesn't act a fool

When Jordan dunks, his tongue hangs out of his mouth like a cartoon wolf spotting a buxom beauty. You don’t really have to worry about that with Scalabrine; dunking, I mean.

#2 - The post-playing days career

Scalabrine left the NBA to become an analyst for the Boston Celtics. Jordan, feeling like he could do anything, bought a stake in an NBA franchise and has since turned it into the worst run team in the league. An analyst has to think fast, talk smart and be right, so he needs to have a high basketball IQ. When you don’t have to worry about money you can make terrible decisions (read: Hanes underwear).

#1 - Michael who?

Fact: In 1996, a group of aliens, bent on winning a basketball game, stole the talents from the best basketball players in the world. More interesting fact: None of those players was Michael Jordan who, at his peak, was unknown to the Nerdlucks. You can bet your bottom dollar that if the Nerdlucks needed to win their game during the White Mamba’s peak they most certainly would have targeted him for their talent siphoning operation.

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