Man Caught Stuffing Python Down His Pants In Pet Store Theft

Charlie Blacks II January 12th 2016 Humor
You know the puns are coming with this one. We’re going to go ahead and speak for everyone for the time being… If you’re anything like us, when you were younger and went to the zoo, you’ve imagined stealing one of the giraffe’s from the tall tree section of the park, or thought about attempting to ride an ostrich with a crowd of admirers cheering you on, or even thought about trying to sneak a tiger out of its cage just to take home and show off to your friends at home. Now that we’re a little older, our sense of imagination has died down and we realize the dangers of jumping into the gorilla cage and attempting to arm wrestle a silverback for a photo op or the criminal charges for setting the meerkats free after drunkenly watching the Lion King. The reality of actually being able to steal our wildlife friends now only exists in the form of pet stores or craigslist ads from people selling pitbull puppies. This snake thief in Portland, Oregon thought he could successfully live out a childhood dream that all of us might have had one day… not exactly in the smartest way though.
As you can see in the video from Friday, January 8th, a man was suspiciously walking around the local Portland, Oregon pet store, A to Z Pets. We can imagine his eyes darting back and forth, the sweat on his brow, and his clammy palms as he quickly moved around the local shop. The baseball cap pulled down over his face doesn’t help the fact that if he ever gets caught and this surveillance tape is used as evidence you can definitely tell he was there with the intent to commit a crime. Now let’s get to the the juicy part, before acting on the actual deed of theft, he had a blue-haired accomplice watch the premises for him. As soon as she called the coast clear of any employees, the man reached into the cage of a rare black pastel ball python, valued at $200, and quickly stuffed the 2ft snake into the front of his pants. Genius idea… After wandering around the store for a few minutes and looking down at his cell phone, the man waddled out the store in James Brown-esque fashion.
If you know anything about pythons, they approach their prey with intent to suffocate them before engulfing them entirely, making their prey suffer a slow and agonizing death. Now we have this guy, who decided to roughly stuff a python down his pants. He’s either the bravest man of all time or one of the stupidest, did he not realize that that python could have gripped his gonads and pop them like a child playing with bubble wrap? Or taken his genitals as a threat and bit him several times requiring one of the most embarrassing hospital visits a man could ever endure? For a guy that’s not concerned about his own trouser snake being bit by an actual snake, he must not be using God given tool too often. Pet store owner, Christin Bjugan, had this to say after discovering the snake was missing and finding out how the culprit got away with the slithery critter, “He's lucky it wasn't feeding day. Feeding days are on Mondays. And they're very hungry.” Unfortunately, the trouser snake bandit is still on the loose. As for people of Oregon, keep an eye out for your cats, dogs, and other pets, this guy might try to stuff your teacup poodle down his pants.

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